This book, My Blissful Life as a Submariner's Wife, went LIVE on July 1, 2009!!!
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Enjoy!!!
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Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be in the military? To be just a small part of the organization we call our government of the United States of America? Maybe you’ve thought about getting a job with one of the many State offices where you live, because word has it that a government job means good pay and great benefits? Or perhaps you’ve known someone who has participated first hand in part of our nation’s history – a friend or family member who took part in one of our country’s historic wars, like World War II or the Vietnam War, or more recently, was involved in some way with the one tragedy that is still very fresh in many of our minds – September 11th?
In my travels through life, I’ve heard many different opinions as to how people view our military. Some people talk about it full of pride, similar to the way a proud parent will boast about their children. Others have a different view, angrily venting about how the government takes advantage of the little guy. Frequently included in this view is the idea that those who are a part of our military take advantage of the benefits – which may include free housing, no electric bills, free food (from the on base or ship’s/sub’s galley), free flights to duty stations… the list can go on and on.
I’m not really anyone special, but I’ve seen each of the three sides of the military coin. Yes, you heard (or read) me right… three. Now, realistically I know there are only two sides to a coin, but let’s think about this for just a moment. There are two main parts to a coin, you say? Well, sure there are! You have the heads side and the tails side… everyone knows that, right? But just for a moment, let’s think outside the box… what else do you have?
You have the middle.
Aha! Come on now, stay with me for just a little bit and let’s consider a few more things. Broaden your focus a smidge and let’s take another look at that coin. Instead of looking at it as a circular piece of pocket change, let’s think of it as the sides of something totally different.
Do you see it? Just what are we really looking at?
Let’s start with the “heads” side of our coin and call it civilians.
Civilians live their lives, day in and day out, doing what they want. They go to work during the day or out with friends at night, enjoying many activities in life that are, very likely, taken for granted. Some of these activities may include: Driving out of state to visit a friend or family member without having to report to anyone where they’re going, who they’re seeing, or how long they’ll be gone; going to bed when they want and getting up when they want (depending on their job); or going out for a drink after work if it suits their fancy. As a civilian they can do all of these things without having to answer to anyone (unless they have a wife at home, that is!). They can come and go as they please, doing pretty much whatever they want, when they want, and how they want, provided they stay within the limits of the law.
Now, flip the coin over. We’re going to call the “tails” side of our coin our Veterans.
Veterans are members of the military who were active duty at one time but are now either no longer active duty (due to an honorable or dishonorable discharge) or retired. Most Veterans probably live their lives much differently than they did as civilians. They likely don’t take things for granted like they did before they joined the military, and, regardless of the circumstances surrounding their discharge from the military, I’m sure many of them understand the true meaning of “the price of freedom”. Like civilians, Veterans can do what they want, when they want, how they want, but it’s very likely that somewhere over their shoulder hovers the ghost of structure and discipline. They enjoy their freedom but also understand without a doubt what the military, and living the life of someone in the military, is really all about.
So now we have our proverbial coin, with a heads side (a civilian) and a tails side (a Veteran), but let’s take one more look at that coin. What do you see? Again, think outside the box. Flip the coin over in your hand. Feel the cool, raised surface. Are you seeing what’s left? What about the solid mass that makes up the middle of the coin? What about the one piece of the coin that melds each of the two sides together?
This, my friends, would be our Active Duty member.
A civilian has many different reasons for joining the military. Some of these include: Pride in our country, the love of our freedom, a desire to go to college without having to pay large sums of money, a need to get away from something in their past, a desire to better themselves, or, especially in today’s economy, a solid income, to name a few. Whatever reason drove them to make their decision to walk into the recruiting office, this much is clear…
They’re ready for a change.
Of course, if the civilian turning Active Duty is anything like I was, they think they know what they’re getting themselves into, and some of them do, but in my opinion, many of them don’t (like me). Some people join up right after high school, like I did, while others, due to a series of events, find that joining the military is one of two choices, with jail time being another. Still others venture out into the world right after high school, sampling life, and decide for whatever reason after a few years they want to experience a life much different than what they’ve been living.
Life in the military – for many people, adjusting to military life is like nothing you’ve experienced before. I’m not saying this to scare anyone, but unless you come from a family with VERY strict parents, you may not understand.
As a member of the military, one of the first things you discover when you get to boot camp is you can’t just do whatever you want to. You’re told when to eat, sleep, exercise, etc. You’re given a very small amount of time, along with a slew of other people just like you, to shower and brush your teeth every morning. You go to classes to learn about things such as recognizing a fellow military member’s uniform (what rank they are, regardless of the branch of service), how to prepare your uniforms, how to fight a fire, etc. You have no choice but to go to PT (physical training) every day, and you’re tested on this, too. You also learn how to march in perfect step as a single unit instead of a large group of people, and believe me, when you put 80-100 people together from all walks of life, this can be challenging in and of itself!
I’ve been lucky enough to experience our three-sided coin. I was a civilian for the first 18 years of my life before I gave four years of my life to the Navy as an Active Duty member. My four years of Active Duty obligated me to four more years of my life as an inactive member in the Inactive Reserves. Now I’m a Veteran. This is where it gets a little more complex though, because for nearly half of my life I was not only a Veteran, I was also a Dependent Wife.
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Life as a dependent spouse can, at times, be more challenging than it is for the Active Duty (whom I will from now on refer to as the AD member or spouse) spouse. When a person agrees to marry that one very special person in their life who is serving our country as an AD Member, do they realize just what they’re agreeing to? Sure they repeat their vows - to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death do us part - but what about when the AD spouse has to travel while they’re in the military, either by plane, submarine, or ship? Does this former civilian, now military dependent, really understand what life will be like when their spouse is called away by the military, sometimes disappearing for weeks, months, or even years on a mission to some secret place? How do you think this former civilian will feel when their AD spouse, because of security reasons, really can’t say where they’re going? When all they can say is they’re going (because when Uncle Sam says go, AD members listen) because they have to, but know that they love you and hold down the fort? All the while there are bills to pay, a budget to adhere to, children to raise, homework to be completed, and school activities (sports, plays, band practice, etc) to chauffer the children to. Now throw into this mixture when the civilian spouse also works full time, has housework to do, meals to cook, and yard work to do… yes, this really complicates matters.
If you’re a military dependent and what I’ve described above rings more than a bell to you, then please read on. The following pages are my story of what it was like going from civilian, to AD Member, to dependent wife, to Veteran.
The life of a dependent spouse, depending on the branch of service, can be quite lonely. My husband and I were both in the Navy when we met in Hawaii - I was stationed on shore duty and he was stationed on a Submarine. During his 20 years or so of AD service, he was home spending time with the family really only about 5 years of that. Because he was married to Uncle Sam first and me second, he had to go where the Navy took him. I understood that and always supported him with it. But because of this, he missed many family milestones – a baby’s first steps, the first day of school, emergency surgery for appendicitis, our oldest son’s graduation from high school.
If this sounds familiar, know that you are NOT alone. Many dependent spouses will understand and totally relate to your feelings of pride in your spouse and our country, your frustration that they aren’t around more often, the stress of carrying a high percentage of the family struggles on your shoulders, and ultimately, if you’re like me, your adjustment to the situation.
Successfully navigating through life as a military family will very possibly be one of the most challenging things you’ll ever have to deal with. An alarming number of marriages don’t survive this challenge, but you don’t have to be a statistic. Get out there and meet your neighbors, make some friends. If you live in military housing, your neighbors are probably going through some of the same things that you are so network and share ideas.
If your spouse is in the Navy and stationed on a ship or a sub, have them find out who the Ombudsman is for the Command. An Ombudsman is frequently a dependent wife who is a type of liaison between the dependent spouse and the military or the Command. If you have a question about the military or need help with something, especially when the ship or submarine is deployed, the Ombudsman will know who you can contact. If they don’t, they should at least be able to point you in the right direction.
MJ Allaire
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